As I was cleaning out my Google Drive this week, I stumbled across my audition tape for my application into the Music Therapy Program for University. After getting about one third in, I couldn’t help but notice the lack of confidence I was showing in this video. I remember feeling so excited and nervous about the audition. I thought about the countless hours spent preparing these pieces and the 10 years of playing prior to those moments.
I wasn’t very confident in myself growing up. I wasn’t good at all of the things I pursued such as sports and mathematics, but one thing I did have a gift for was music. I was eight years old when I discovered the Cello. I was immediately taken by the uniqueness of the instrument, and as soon as my soon-to-be teacher played the Star Wars’ Theme Song, I was sold! I took a liking to the instrument and got pretty good at it. I still lacked coordination on the court and I didn’t grow to be a mathematician, but I was good at music and I was really good at playing the Cello. Playing my instrument gave me the confidence I struggled to find. It was my freedom from insecurity and fear. The Cello gave me the courage to speak through sound, the lightness to dance through each note, and the boldness to be a leader. I was proud of my talent and couldn’t wait to get even better through this program.
The memory of how I felt leading up to my audition was shortly followed by how I felt when I had received a letter saying that I wasn’t accepted into the Music Therapy Program. My audition wasn’t good enough. That confidence I had built up over those ten years was immediately shattered. I immediately doubted the talent God had given me, because I let my confidence be affirmed by people, instead of the One who had gifted me with that talent in the first place. I slowly began to step away from my instrument out of disappointment, doubt, and fear. This led me onto a four-year journey of rediscovering confidence in myself and in the purpose God had set out for me. My favorite verse, Jeremiah 1:5 says that before I was born God set me apart. This means that I have been created by God to fulfill His Will for my life, but I had to lose all of the “confidence” gained by the affirmations of people, to build a sense of confidence that comes from God. An identity with confidence that cannot be shaken.
Seeking out my purpose while in the academic world wasn’t easy. After my first year, I was on academic probation, followed by a switch in my degree. It was during my time in seminary that I had tapped into another one of my passions which made God’s vision for my life even clearer. I found my way back to music while in current pursuit of my Social Work Degree, which has all helped me see what it is God is leading me towards. This season of my life has truly helped me understand the difference true confidence can make. I wouldn’t be likely to do half of the things I’ve done in the past year if it weren’t for this experience, and the many to follow. These experiences have not only helped me gain confidence in myself, but more importantly, my confidence in God and His Will for my life. Without experiencing losses along the way, I wouldn’t have allowed God to move through my life the way He wants to. I wouldn’t have the confidence to start a brand and (sometimes) pick up my Cello and rebuild a relationship with talent God gave me.
I had come to learn, and continue to learn, that true confidence really is key. Confidence is the key to our faith (Heb. 11:1). Without faith, we can’t obtain freedom from the things which inhibit our ability to display confidence. Faith is what allows us to exude confidence when approaching God which can then be utilized when God allows things in life to come our way (Eph. 3). And God gives us the grace to exercise this confidence every day. Every now and then, God gives us an opportunity to choose confidence as a response to our experiences in life. When those times come – how do you usually respond? Always remember that God goes before you (Deut. 31:8), therefore, you have all the reason to respond to the ebb and flows of life with confidence!
