There are many numbers that have the potential to define us: likes, grades, bank account balances and yet, for me, none is more powerful than my weight. What I must constantly remind myself and would like to remind anyone reading this is that the potential of any of these numbers – be it likes or weight – to define us, is within our control whether we realize it or not.

It has taken me years to get to a place where I am capable of saying I love myself and yet, last week, I transported myself to a former existence of low self-esteem. I was rummaging through my clothing bins looking for something to wear to work. In hindsight, I should’ve done that the night before but procrastination doesn’t just apply to schoolwork. Anyways, the pursuit of finding something to wear felt hopeless and I began to feel awful about myself. Everything I found was either too short, not work-appropriate or just didn’t fit, and what I did find, I wasn’t crazy about either. I couldn’t stop looking at my stomach and wishing it would go away.

Have you ever had that one shirt or pair of pants that used to be loose but then you put it on again and it fits in places it didn’t before? Well, I had a moment like that and what started out as me needing an outfit for work turned into an erratic pity party that had me questioning my value all because a once-loose skirt fit like a glove.

Hearing my tears from the other room, my father came in and asked what was wrong and I, with a face full of tears, told him that my clothes didn’t fit and on top of all that, I was fat. The first thing he said was that in this day and age, sizing isn’t the same. A 12 in one store is an 8 in another. Basically, it is futile to put value in a size, a value that changes depending on style, material, etc. But more importantly, whatever size I am neither defines me nor does it make me deficient in any way.

I used to equate my size with my value as a person. Gaining weight made me miserable not only because I was getting bigger, but because, to me, it meant that I was losing my worth and that ultimately, I was unworthy of love – of any kind. But that is a lie from the pit of Hell and for anyone else drinking that Kool-Aid, stop right there. Our intrinsic value is not in our size. Whether you’re a 2 or 16 is irrelevant and frankly, one of the least interesting and important things about you. How can we place so much stake, to my father’s point, in a number that varies so frequently? Numbers are values, but they don’t determine your value. That was decided by God when He made you.