Whew Chile… when is the last time that I wrote a blog post?…well this is embarrassing. It’s crazy – the last time I wrote was when I was going into the summer. I can honestly say that so much has happened since then. I’m not going to write about everything – honestly, those things were the topics of the Churchboy Confessions podcast recordings. Long story short – I am not the same person I was just less than 3 months ago. God has been in my life this summer – breaking chains and freeing my mind. Thankfully, I can say that all the change in my life has been for the better. But now, as school starts this week, I can’t help but concern myself with how I am going to stay “changed” while going back into the “old environment”.
Let me elaborate on that point just a bit. Like many of us – my school life has been the foundation of my social life for as long as I could remember. Less now than before, but still. When I was so deeply involved in my social life – I would pressure myself to belong. I would try to fit in, act cool, engage in conversations, ultimately uphold a specific image of myself to the public. This right here? – toxic. In my case, this dynamic would have me putting up a fake facade of coolness, and fake facades root from insecurities and only lead to making those insecurities and low self-esteem more powerful.
At the beginning of the summer, I challenged myself to just be Emmanuel. No facades, no acting – just be Emmanuel. I knew this would be easier to do during the summer because I’d be living by myself – pretty much having no real social life. Thankfully, this challenge ultimately led me to a place where I could find satisfaction and joy in who I am and have always been. This is great, right? But now I have to go back to school – back to social life. Now Emmanuel has to go back to the environments that I used to be fake in.
One might think: no problem, just be you and don’t act fake. But I don’t think it’s that simple. I believe that going back to the same environments we once were in before triggers a lot of us to act the same way we did before we left. I believe that since I’ve been so familiar with my facade, it has become my default behavior. Right now I know that I do not want to revert back to my default.
So this is the way I see it. I don’t have much of an answer as to how I will stay Emmanuel throughout the school year. However, I do know this: if I want to dodge reverting back to my default, I have to be intentional about being myself. Sometimes being you doesn’t come naturally. I understand this now. I’m going to have to think about the words that come out of my mouth before I speak, think about the pros and cons of dealing with certain people and going to certain places. I have to be intentional about what I’m thinking or how I perceive myself.
I’m now at a point where me acting like anyone else besides Emmanuel makes me feel sick when I wake up in the morning. This upcoming school year – my last year in college – I will wake up each morning with joy. Sure – I can be upset about practical things not going the way I planned like school or work. However, I plan to be happy, and filled with joy every time I wake up and take a look in the mirror because I know who I am and show who I am everyday. No reverting back to the default. I’m making a new one.
