I guess you can say that I’m writing this letter for records. I guess somewhere deep in my heart I have this insane belief that I’ll be known by the entire world and have global impact. So I want to write down how I feel now. 14 hours away from my college graduation, to commemorate the moment. It’s funny, it’s not common to commemorate the painful times of life, only the good times. Well in this case I commemorate the painful – all in hopes of this time being temporary and my moment being around the corner.
14 hours away. I’m that close to graduation – the day of ascension. But this ascension will be virtual of course. And this ascension feels more like a descension. I go from college, a place of comfort and stability to the big blue ocean of adulthood. I encounter the huge waves of uncertainty and the whirlpools of ambiguity. To think, for 18 years of my life I’ve been barely staying afloat in the water – come to find out the ocean ahead of me makes my past look like a kitty pool. If only we knew that life may be the most stable and carefree when we are young. I look back now and wish I can just go back – not to change anything really – just to live everything all over again and really soak it in. If there’s one regret I have it’s the time I wasted worrying about the life I now wish I could live again. Time wasted – so much time wasted looking forward to a life in the future that would actually end up being a life where I look back at the past.
14 hours away. I can think back to when I was 4 years away. The end wasn’t even in sight, and if you let yourself get lost in the sauce enough, you’d think college would never end. I can see the adventures replay in my head. The parties, the 2k tournaments, the Nigerian Student Union, my quarter in Washington D.C., etc. I can remember the conversations my roommates and I would have those rare nights we would all go to bed at the same time. We would brainstorm an idea to make us all rich. The best we came up with was an app that tracked the gas prices at nearby gas stations – but apparently that idea had been taken. Now Jonathan is engaged.
14 hours away and I can’t help but think about how I’ll feel after my 5 seconds on the screen are up. Then, at that moment, I plunge into the ocean. I always thought that this plunge wouldn’t be so scary because I would have a lifejacket – you know – a job offer before I graduated. I prayed for it at the top of the year, only I never took the time to commit to submitting all my applications. I don’t know if I can blame God for that one not being answered. Well, we still have 14 hours, maybe I get an email or call back in the morning. I’m scared though. I won’t even front. I am.
14 hours away and I sit on the couch thinking of whether I want to enter into the ocean scared or courageous. Should I make my grand entrance into the world with a smile or a tear? Should I be scared, knowing that I don’t know what will happen next and that the clock is ticking until it looks like I’m just a failure… – or, should I have faith in God and keep working and applying and know that no matter what, everything is going to be alright? I hope I come up with the answer before time is up.
14 hours away and I have no idea what life will be like after that. I have no idea how long I’ll live in my parent’s house. I have no idea where or when I’ll get a job. I have no idea when God will pluck up that which He hath planted and my harvest be manifested. 14 hours away and I have no idea.
Maybe this helps you realize that you’re not alone. We just have no idea sometimes. No idea where to go, what to do – when to do it or how. The ocean is ahead of us, and it’s not like we can turn back. It’s not like we have the choice. We are the children of Israel and behind us are the Egyptians. We can’t go back. I wonder how Moses felt for the split second before God told him to split the water. Did he feel like I do now? I wonder how Elisha was thinking when he asked Where is the Lord of Elijah? I wonder what Joshua felt when Moses was dead and now it was his turn to lead the people. Each of these accounts tell us of big transitions – one level to another.
The Israelites couldn’t go back to Egypt. Joshua couldn’t stop Moses from dying. Elisha couldn’t stop Elijah from being taken. All three accounts – the transition never needed their permission to come. It just all happened and there was nothing they could do about it.
I’m 14 hours away from my transition. I can’t turn back – like literally. No control – it’s all just coming. I just pray that my transition will reap something good like it did for them. I pray – I truly do – that I don’t drown, and instead split the sea.
