I was talking to a friend who was confiding in me about some of the struggles he’s been having recently and as I met his struggles with transparency of my own, he was surprised to hear that. He said, “You? You’re a saint.” I understood what he meant, but that is not the first time someone has expressed that sentiment to me. He went on to say that he felt that way because I’ve succeeded in all my endeavors, accomplished the things I set out to do and that’s true. But I have often felt as though, in the eyes of others, I cannot fail or struggle or that even when I do, it is perceived as a minor offense.
I graduated from college with a 3.8 and grad school with a 4.0 and a friend of mine would always mention how well I did, how high my GPAs were and how easy it must’ve been for me to achieve but nothing about either experience was easy. I sat in writing classes for six years defending the viability of my work and voice as a Black writer in rooms with people who did not look like me and were not interested in my lived experience. That wasn’t factored into my GPA nor were any of the other obstacles I encountered during my academic career. We make the mistake of believing because people are able to navigate situations or do not struggle in ways perceptible to us that their journey is easier than ours or things just come easier to them, but it’s just not true.
As for my friend who believes I’m a saint, I reminded him that anything he has seen me persist through or any success I’ve attained is not just something I accomplished through sheer hope or effort. I am able to persist because of my faith. I’m not the Energizer Bunny who just keeps going and doesn’t get tired or discouraged. In fact, it is just the opposite. I feel all of those things. I just don’t allow them to take over and rule, though even sometimes that happens too.
My point is that this undue sainthood has made it difficult to feel as though I can share what I’m going through without hearing, “you’ll get through this” or something that is meant to be encouraging, but is ultimately, denying my humanity and the fact that yes, this is not the end and I will, through the power of the Holy Spirit, and the grace of God persist, but in this moment, I simply need to get this off my chest and release it, so that I can get to the triumph. 2025 was a difficult year, but it was also revealing, gratifying and affirming. I was unemployed going into the year and remained unemployed for seven months. God eventually blessed me with my dream job and even amidst the challenges, I love the work that I get to do every day, but the months leading up to that were hard and even the months after the job, I struggled, and I strayed.
It was hard getting up every morning with nowhere to get while my siblings and parents went to work. It was hard not knowing where I was supposed to be and where I was supposed to go. It was hard losing my grandmother and uncle within two days of each other. I realized I’d been doing to my dad what others had done to me. My father lost his mother and brother in one fell swoop and it has occurred to me that he’s human but particularly in the face of his grief. He persisted and he anchored himself in his faith as he does every day but he lost two people he loved tremendously. He was able to persist in faith because my grandmother is the reason he came to Christ. At her funeral, he reminded us that she’s already in Heaven and our responsibility now is to live in such a manner that we are able to join her. But I admire my father because of his humanity, not in spite of it. Because he is so deeply in relationship with God that to speak of him is to speak of God. There was no mistake that he is devoted to, motivated by and enabled through the power of God.
During my time of unemployment, it was also hard keeping to myself the depths of how ashamed and purposeless and small I felt. I have a wonderful support system in my family, but outside of them, there were very few people I confided in and I don’t know that I ever really vocalized how hard it all was. In that time, I found that the best place to take all of my feelings was to someone who could hold them, who wouldn’t give me platitudes but simply listen. And honestly, some days it was hard for me to get in God’s presence. Some days, it still is. I struggle with spending time with God.
Thinking of others and putting them ahead of myself? It is second nature to me. Loving others as Christ loved? It is a joy. Turning the other cheek? That I can do, but I am not consistent with having devotion and one-on-one time with the Lord. It is something that I am determined to be more diligent about this year, but it is something that I have been inconsistent in. It is a place in my spiritual life that needs more attention and prioritization. I say this in the spirit of transparency but also because I’ve never really said it out loud. I never knew how to and on some level, perhaps I thought either I wouldn’t be believed, though another part of me feels like it’s something I shouldn’t struggle with. I shouldn’t struggle with this particular aspect of my faith and yet, I do.
However, having been given the privilege of crossing over in 2026, I am determined to change course and more diligently seek to be in the presence of the Lord. There could be a myriad of takeaways from this piece, but in closing, I would like to underscore two things in particular. Each of us have our own stumbling blocks; we’re all works in progress. Paul says it best in Romans: “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Our struggles are different, the thorns in our side are different, but our need for God is the same. Just because someone does not struggle in the way you do or in a way different than you does not make them indestructible. Christ came to relieve, assist, and deliver all of us, not some of us, because we all needed a Savior.
Which leads me to my second and final point. We can be encouraged by the journeys of others, the spiritual triumph and witness of others, but our standard of living as believers is not one another. It is Christ! Hebrews reminds us of this:
“Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2).
In this new year, may we seek only to emulate Christ’s life of how to live, how to love, how to lead, how to serve, and how to seek Our Father!
