November is Men’s Month here at UN-ASSOCIATED and for the month of November, our weekly monthly devotionals will be authored by men in our community. The theme and prompt of each piece is community and discipleship. Today, we continue today with Emmanuel.
I went to a day party in D.C. some years back. If you’ve ever been to a rooftop day party in D.C., you know that if you stick around long enough into the night, the vibe is identical to that of a nightclub. I went to a few clubs back in my college days. It was the thing everyone else was doing, so I followed. I was never comfortable (unless I had a couple drinks). For years my experience in spaces like that would be characterized by what I call “insecurity flares.” Like asthma flares that come out of seemingly nowhere, insecurity flares could appear on a random Saturday night to humble me after I just had an amazing week. One second I could feel like I’m on top of the world, then boom, intrusive thoughts about the size of my forehead, how sweaty my armpits were, and how short I was compared to everybody in the club all came rushing at me. The crazy thing is, I knew these thoughts were exaggerated, BUT I COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM. I couldn’t enjoy my time.
That night in D.C. something dawned on me. I looked all around. I looked at everyone (and no, not in a judgy way). I saw people dancing. I saw people vibing. I saw people throwing drinks back. And I thought to myself…”What am I doing here?”
It was then that things started to click. I simply didn’t belong there. This wasn’t my space. And it’s not supposed to be.
Most of my life, I had an internal struggle between embracing my Christian identity and finding a worldly identity. I hated being labeled as the churchboy. It wasn’t cool enough for me, and it made it harder to fit in with people I wanted to like and value me. So I tried to be cool and edgy. I tried to play football – I sucked. I tried to date the pretty girls at school – they didn’t like me. I tried to do the things that others did, and be in the spaces they were – and I was always so uncomfortable.
What I thought were insecurities all those years were partially something a lot simpler. It was me being in spaces God did not want me to be in. It was being in spaces that did not affirm my identity in Christ, and therefore did not align with my deepest convictions and resolve.
Since this revelation, it seems like my life naturally started to curate itself to constantly be surrounded by godly friends and community – in godly spaces. My closest friends – Christian. The spaces and events I go to – Christian. My occupation – Christian. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that since I’ve surrounded myself with Christians in Christian spaces, I’ve become the most confident I’ve been and the most comfortable with myself that I’ve ever been. Now this doesn’t mean I’m never in secular spaces, it just means I know where home base is at.
This revelation really made me think about the importance of community, and just how much impact it has on how we perceive ourselves in the context of the world around us. Who we surround ourselves with largely influences what we consider cool, what’s acceptable, what matters, and consequently what we might be insecure about. Having a strong sense of who we are comes largely in part by having membership in a strong and loving community.
Think about some of your friends (Believers and non-Believers). Look at their family, their other friend groups, the events they go to and the spaces they frequent. Look at the community they surround themselves with. You will see the similarities between them and the people they keep around them. Who we surround ourselves with affirm our identity in either a positive or negative way. Which is why we can feel uncomfortable in one setting and comfortable in another. The goal, however, is not to be comfortable everywhere. The goal is to be in the community that actually helps mold you into the type of person you want to be to the glory of God. Sometimes that can be uncomfortable.
That being said, for me, a large part of finally becoming a confident man was letting go of trying to fit into spaces I wasn’t meant to be in and that wouldn’t make be better. In hindsight, I’m happy I never got to the point where I felt comfortable in those spaces, because then I would have succeeded in sacrificing parts of who I knew I was deep down in order to gain some useless clout from people that didn’t care about me. Looking back, and seeing the man of God I’ve become today, it truly is insane to me that I ever even stepped foot in a club (no shade).
Your setting matters. Your community matters. Have you found your people? Have you found God’s people for you? Or are you still trying to be someone you’re not in spaces you don’t belong and won’t make you better?
It’s time you find your people.
